Unworthy

I just finished a War Room shift - let me pause to clarify what that means before I continue. The War Room is a 24/7 prayer room. It's been going on for over 3 years. CONTINUAL prayer has been happening for 3 years in that room. Isn't that amazing?! I obviously think so. We have 3 hour shifts, and I did a 2pm-5pm shift (I also do a 2am-5am shift once a week - completely different dynamic).
So back to my story - this morning we had a special guest speaker come in (Elain Gillingham) and she really challenged me on a lot of things. Her topic has on Mercy & Justice. She began by talking about the "Glory of God". According to scriptures that she was using The real mainfestation of the Glory of God is walking out mercy. (Central verses she used for this point - Exodus 34:5-7)
We spent about 30 minutes in silence, examining our hearts. How does my heart look in regards to the Downtown Eastside.
In my War Room shift, I further prayed into this. Here's the sad, horribly honest truth of it. I am one of the most selfish people I know. I was asking the Lord to break my heart for the brokeness down here. I don't want to dissociate. I don't want to become numb. I don't want my heart to be calloused. I was trying to pray and intercede - but my heart wasn't broken. What a humbling experience.
I eventually fell facedown in worship, crying in gratitude because in God's grace, He still welcomes me into His presence. I am so unworthy.
I cried out to God for an hour. I was on the ground. Crying out for Him to change my heart. Again, this may be deceiving you into thinking this was a good thing. The truth of the matter was - I can cry for myself, and for friends, and for family, but I could not make myself cry for the people down here.
Sobering.
So I was crying, because I couldn't cry. I pleaded for forgiveness. I cried out for God to give me a heart of flesh in place of my heart of stone.

Here's the scary realization. It IS possible to live here for a year, and remain incredibly selfish and full of personal pursuit. It is a battle to (in a sense) starve the flesh (desires of the flesh) and feed the Spirit. Say "no" to self (or die to self, as the bible refers to) and say "yes" to the Holy Spirit.

The prayer from the deepest parts of me is this - that my heart may reflect God's heart. I know that by asking for this, I am essentially asking for pain, for I know God's heart breaks at the brokeness of this world, but without love, all my efforts are worthless (so says 1 Corinthians 13).

Thanks for listening to my confession. Grace,